Redefining Strength: The True Meaning of “Man Up”

By Tony Coder, CEO, Ohio Suicide Prevention Foundation

I frequently speak with parents who have lost their child to suicide. Recently, I met with the mother of a teenage boy. She shared he had been dealing with mental health challenges for several months but seemed to be improving. One evening, he sent her a casual “I love you, Mom.” She did not think much of it at the time. After a concerned friend reached out, she used a phone-tracking feature to locate him and tragically found him in his car. After his burial, she discovered text messages where her son had written to a friend about the struggles he was having. The last message he received from the friend said, “You just need to man up.”

I want to be clear that I do not blame the young man’s friend for those words. Conversations about suicide and mental health are difficult for adults, much less for teenagers. Most people are paralyzed, not knowing what to say or do when confronted by a friend or loved one who expresses struggles with mental health or suicide. In a frightening moment, the young friend responded with what he understood strength to mean.

That is the larger issue. For generations, “man up” has meant suppressing emotion and pushing through pain. We pay careful attention to broken bones and visible scars, and we share the stories behind them with pride. But when a heart is broken, or a mind is struggling, men especially are often told to ignore it, to tough it out, or will themselves back to health. We should not be surprised that nearly 80% of suicides in Ohio and across the nation are men.

To truly “man up” to something is to confront it. If we are hurting emotionally, then facing that pain and seeking help is not weakness; it is responsibility. For too long, many men have seen themselves as fixers for everyone but themselves. It may be time to redefine “man up,” so it no longer means silent suffering. True strength lies not in stuffing pain down, but in speaking it aloud.

For too long, our culture has misunderstood what strength requires. If we can redefine “man up” to mean asking for help when we need it, we may save the very lives we are trying to make stronger.